Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — On the 19th of July I commenced my day as I would any other, with a bottle of Tequila, two Xanax chasers and a box of extra strong mints - just in case mother pops round. After breakfast I began to trawl through the forums and city stats for interesting morsels of news that might make for a compelling read in next week's paper, when something rather odd happened. Something that had never happened before to me in Torn or elsewhere in the world of journalism. Persecution - for now I art a victim. Eleven bounties within the space of 3 minutes 48 seconds, and all from a mysterious stranger named Collete. As a feeble reporter with the physique of a severely malnourished infant I found myself hospitalised almost immediately as random goons gleefully accepted the contracts placed upon my head, yet I knew not why I had been targeted. Over the next few days each of these bounties were dutifully collected by the bloodthirsty citizens of Torn, and frankly I'd be ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — On June 11th 2016 Torn welcomed to its streets the 2 millionth person to register here as an official citizen, with this prestigious honour bestowed upon a young lady named MelodyQueen. A time for celebration indeed...or perhaps not. More than one month on from that momentous day neither hide nor hair has been seen of this mysterious stranger, with very little known about who she was, where she came from, and where her bullet-ridden corpse is today. At the time of writing it has been confirmed that MelodyQueen resided within a shack during her brief appearance in the city, making four enemies and one solitary friend whilst active on the streets of Torn. So where is she? Did this poor innocent soul fall prey to one of Torn's vultures already? MelodyQueen's status as the 2 millionth citizen means she has already been subjected to a disproportionate amount of violence, with hospital records noting her admittance on a total of 31 occasions. Yet this baptis...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Torn has no Mayor to speak of, nor does it have a Governor, a Councillor, a President or Prime Minister. Torn even lacks so much as a Park Ranger to stop you throwing trash at geese on the park. But many would say that what Torn does have is a dictator, an unstoppable presence whose benevolence in recent years is a testament to his own power, rather than the will of those attempting to dethrone him. Official titles aside, Bodybagger has ruled the streets of Torn in every meaningful way for the past seven years, and despite fearing the repercussions of a misquoted phrase or an incriminating typo, this reporter valiantly entered into correspondence with the city's greatest ever player - the results of which are provided for your perusing pleasure below. TCT: "How does it feel to be the most powerful player in the game?" BB: "It feels great and wonderful!!! In reality, it really is no big deal. It's just a game after all." TCT: ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — In our recent interview with Boxcar182 we investigated the mind-set of Torn's most prolific jail-breaker, yet in the weeks since our article was published there seems to have been no progress made in curtailing the embarrassing security lapses which continue to blight our city's penitentiary. The jail is a block away from City Hall where the decision makers eat their lunches, yet still they rest on their overpaid fat-saturated laurels, making no effort to address the concerns raised in this paper. But their inaction has not gone unnoticed. Torn's forums are awash with complaints at how simple jail-breaking has become. A discussion led by local citizen Wollongong - one of the city's original 20,000 inhabitants - suggested that Torn City Jail is not the deterrent it once was, commenting: "When we just started to take over this town, when there were actually still respectable citizens around, being put to jail really was a pain in the ass. Yo...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The 5th of July marks that wonderful time of year when the city's motley collection of harlots, hunks and everything in-between collectively discard their inhibitions in an effort to show off the goods. Clothing is shredded, makeup smeared, and their desirable attributes are artificially enhanced by careful sock placement - I am of course talking about the long-awaited return of the city's annual Mr and Ms Torn competition. But before the population's most attention-impoverished set to work they would do well to heed the tales of the competition's former champions. In an effort to find out why so many are drawn to the event, what it takes to win such a coveted prize, and how the stench of victory attracts a swarm of unwanted admirers the Torn City Times spoke to several of last year's finalists about their experiences. Captain Obvious - Mr Torn 1st Place 2015 TCT: "Captain, how has winning Mr Torn affected your life? Do strangers try t...