Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — At the time of writing, there are eighty-five citizens with Level 100 status residing in Torn City. The controversial circumstances in which the first Torn citizens reached this milestone are well known. In short, several people made it to Torn's highest possible level 100 via means the authorities deemed proper naughty. HT-Supermikk was one of those people. "I think I was number 2 to become level 100. Just beaten by Bodybagger with a couple of days." The statistics showed that Sifonjerce was the first to hit Level 100, followed by Bodybagger and HT-Supermikk in second and third. However, according to the parties involved, the official records of this historic occasion are about as reliable as a sad quote from the failing New York Times. Bodybagger claimed it was he who had been the first centurion, and Sifonjerce later conceded that his opponent had indeed been the first to hit Level 100 legitimately. And you'll notice I used the word ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — This week's edition of the Torn City Times will be the last bulletin of the year, with next Monday's slot to be filled by a Tornography as our staff busy themselves arguing about Donald Trump and Brexit over mother's overcooked poultry. But first, we've got plenty of deliciously moist breast meat for you to tuck into, including news of Christmas Town, competitions galore and a rundown of the latest results in the Professional Racing Championships. Winter PRC Quarter Finals In the small hours of Sunday morning the last of the Professional Racing Championship heats concluded with victory for Solenoid , who was joined by summer finalists RogueHomer and ToxicMonkeyMZC in making it through to the quarterfinals. This story of this year's Winter PRC has thus far been dominated by the underdog, with several low-ranked drivers ousting more experienced rivals to qualify at their expense. Sadly, many of these underdogs have now been sent upstate to...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The qualifying rounds for the Professional Racing Championships came to an end on Saturday, signifying the start of the competition proper as a 48-way fight gets underway in a bid to crown a new super fast driving car champion person of the world - winter edition. Anyone who hasn't qualified by now must wait until the summer for another shot at a PRC title and the much-coveted Bugatti, and when you see some of the absolute trashbags (low ranked players) who have qualified, some of you might kick yourselves for not having entered. December 12th saw BrocketIII take first place in Heat 4, with Sky and RevLitterbox following up in second and third place. 2016's summer champion PISolo finished fourth and was joined by Broly and Miro in qualifying for the finals, but it was Heat 5 which proved to be the most surprising round of the competition so far, as two amateur racers crashed the party to qualify ahead of their more experienced rivals. JFK 's...

sugarvalves [1963573] — This week's T.W.I.N. is packed with so much joy and mirth it could see its own family slaughtered before its very eyes and still not fail to crack a smile. We've got a story about Scrooge and why the city has forgotten him, all the latest happenings from the Professional Racing Competition's qualifying rounds, and a brief summary of what you can expect from the Torn City Times over the festive period. So go on then you malignant sow, read on, if you want to know more. Records Broken as Scrooge Avoids Attack As the festive season leaps upon us like an over-affectionate uncle, notorious curmudgeon Scrooge has reason to be thankful given Torn's apparent lack of interest in breaking his bones and smashing his gob off. He has now gone four days with barely a stabbing, shanking, slashing or garrotting to speak of, and many are beginning to wonder where Torn's collective balls have been relocated to. The beating of this defenceless pensioner is o...