Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — As the Chinese year of the monkey draws to a close, the turkey's carcass dries up and the reaper snuffs out the last few celebrities on his list, many will look back on the events of 2016 in an attempt to draw meaning from the litany of tragedies this bastard year saw fit to serve us. And in Torn City we've had our fair share of drama to contend with too, having endured several Dirty Bombs, the jailing of Midknight, and the subsequent staffing brouhaha which came as a result of his release. The latter two caused an outpouring of complaint not seen in this city for some time, and yet still, even after such a protracted period of moaning, some people in Torn still managed to muster up the energy to find something else to grumble about over the Christmas period. Whether it concerns their lack of luck in tracking down Duke's gifts in the dump or their inability to strip items from a defenceless old man; the collective sense of injustice felt by Torn ci...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The city of Torn is a haven for those who would prey upon the weak, as with the likes of sharkeyfive, Collete and Dekloren lying in wait, those of a feeble disposition stand little chance against a tidal wave of hate when such tyrants are in charge of the life-raft. These poor, wretched souls have neither the power nor the energy to fight back, and far from offering help, many citizens instead engage in victim-blaming, accusing our oppressed citizens of whining, begging and disrespect, and therefore deserving of their fate. But this issue has been covered by this paper at length already, so why am I picking at these deep and divisive wounds when they've barely yet to scab? The reason is simple - the bullied have themselves become the bullies, joining with great fervour in the torment of a citizen whose only crime is to eschew the religious traditions of the season. I am of course talking about the deeply troubling and prejudicial treatment of a kindly old ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — In the midst of the on-going discussion over staffing changes, whether global chat is a cesspool and if Christmas Town will take place, it seems that Torn's citizens have failed to notice a recent increase in the strange behaviour of Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese - aka The Duke, aka that guy with the bald head and paunch who smells like a rancid delicatessen. The first indication something was amiss came when Mr Calabrese was reported to have given away over a hundred million dollars via Global Chat, in exchange for nothing more than the provision of grotesque facts regarding animals, intercourse and grave desecration. It also seems that the Duke has amped up his bounty buying again, with citizens split on whether this is an act of altruism on Calabrese's part, or if he's merely doing it to annoy the likes of MaxHeadRoom and TheHoneyBadger. Duke has curiously left the bounties placed by Collete active and in place, most likely as a token of goodwil...

sugarvalves [1963573] — On the 30th of November the announcement was made that former committee member Midknight would be freed on January 29th 2017, after the serving of a 60-day sentence not taking into account time served. His spell in Federal Jail came as the result of what can only be described as one of the stupidest crimes ever committed, in Torn or elsewhere, as this highly visible citizen attempted to sell a confidential mask item for personal gain weeks before its official release. How Midknight thought he would get away with such deception is unfathomable to even the most deluded mind, as the level of cunning involved would make Mr Bean seem like a master criminal, with Midknight understandably too embarrassed to take part in an interview for this piece. But the issue most players were concerned about was the draconian punishment handed out to him. Or, as it later transpired, the retraction of said penalty, which in turn led to the retraction of sanity and good humour by m...

sugarvalves [1963573] — On Friday the 2016 edition of the Torn City Dog Tag competition ended with a second straight victory for Kniv, who not only retained his title but also managed to acquire an astonishing 1287 tags and 22806 points in the process. In fact, so high were everyone's scores this year that Kniv's winning total from 2015 would only have been good enough for 4th this time around, making his margin of victory even more impressive. I congratulated Kniv on his victory over the weekend, but I also asked whether he regretted taking part in the interview with me a few weeks back, as it seemed to gain both him and the others involved a lot more negative attention during the competition's early stages; " Thank you, thought it couldn't be done, that someone was more hungry for it than me. But me winning the way I did proves that almost anyone can win this, so it's a fair competition for everyone. My average tag score is 18, so this competition is just d...

sugarvalves [1963573] — As 2016's Dog Tag competition rapidly draws to a close, the current leader sits on 20,130 points with 1,052 tags, holding a lead of 4670 points over their nearest challenger on 15,460. 14,000 points are good enough for 3rd place at the moment, and 6,192 points will sneak you into the top 25, but whether this will be enough come Friday 2pm is difficult to say. Especially since Duke's latest tantrum. Everything seemed to be running smoothly of late, with established players racking up tags and a few youngsters threatening to shake up the old guard. But the entire competition was thrown into turmoil on Friday, as the beef between Duke and Bodybagger once more reared its ugly, vein-straddled head. For those who aren't aware, Duke began assaulting members of Bodybagger's Oil Crew in retaliation for his excessive muggings. The Duke is known to enjoy the occasional dust-up with a stranger, but when Bodybagger abused this privilege he struck back hard....

sugarvalves [1963573] — The 2016 Dog Tag competition has well and truly kicked off this week with the leading collector now soaring into a lead of nearly 2,000 points. As of 4pm today 13,450 was the target for those aiming for top spot, with 2nd place on 11,907 and 3rd on 9,519. Those who are placed 4th to 10th are separated by a margin of just 3,000 points, and last week's 2nd placed Duke is currently languishing down in 11th on 6,411 points. However, with 11 days left before the winner is crowned literally anything could happen; if you were to misrepresent the meaning of the word literally of course. Figuratively speaking, the competition is more evenly spread than the margarine on an OCD sufferer's toast, and it's highly possible that we could actually have a low-ranked outsider taking the top spot come November 25th. Surprisingly, many of those in the top 25 are not high-level players, they are not well known, and they are doing incredibly well to fly under the radar ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The 5th of November saw Torn's annual Dog Tag competition kick off with a bang, albeit one which was apparently not loud enough to alert many of the city's drug-addled laggards, many of whom only became aware of the competition once their own tags were snatched from their necks. Although truth be told, the competition actually surprised everyone, with even the city's drunken leadership baffled by the sudden onset of jewellery-based carnage. As ever the competition will run for the best part of a month, having kicked off on the same date as the United Kingdom's Guy Fawkes Night, and ending somewhat amusingly on the 25th of November, which just so happens to be the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women; a charming way to mark such a worthy cause. But, for those in favour of maiming both gentlemen and ladies for their identification tags, what exactly are the rules, and do they differ from those of competiti...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Bounties. Whether you love them, hate them, or you couldn't care less either way, these purchasable hits upon fellow players have undoubtedly had a major impact on the life of ordinary Torn citizens. But for as long as they've been around, bounties have also been abused and complained about, and as such, the forums of Torn have been littered with suggestions regarding a possible solution. After weeks of my own investigation into the subject, during which time I interviewed both victims and perpetrators, I hoped the matter would come to its own natural conclusion. Alas, with the recent spate of bounties inflicted upon the populace by Mat-Senpai, this is clearly no longer an option. Mat-Senpai has seemingly targeted inactive users with thousands of bounties in a bid to cleanse them from the community and win a bet, but in actuality, the biggest impact of his bountying spree has been to highlight the power wielded by the city's most powerful players. ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — As regular readers of the Torn City Times are aware, this paper takes a dim view of those who seek to harass our citizens through excessive bountying. Newcomers to Torn are often burdened, bothered and brutalised in this way by grudge-obsessed establishment figures, with the end result being a notable decrease in the number of migrants retained by the city. Many have speculated on why these people feel justified, nay, obliged to harass others with assault by proxy, but in an effort to foster greater unity between the people of Torn, I reached out to some of our most infamous bountiers for a series of interviews, and some of their responses may just surprise you. Most citizens incorrectly believe Dekloren to be the cruellest and most frequent bountier in Torn, but as you can see from the above ranking taken earlier today, he has actually vacated the top 10 due to his relative inactivity. If the rumours are to be believed, it seems Dekloren's commitment to b...