Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — Double item capacity allowance delayed. Thousands left mildly inconvenienced. Bonus now in effect and extended until Friday at midnight. Compensation offered. The people of Torn City were left in a fluster this morning as an administrative error meant that a recently advertised travel bonus failed to be applied to those returning from foreign trips.  The bonus, which permitted travellers to return from their holidays with twice the usual item allowance, was supposed to be in effect from midnight last night. However, it has since emerged that the individual responsible for enabling this measure put sixteen zeroes where a two should be, and the bonus was not applied. Torn's Customs Authority has confirmed that the bonus is now active, and has been extended to 23:59pm on Friday as a courtesy to the good people of Torn City. The 6,073 people who flew to foreign shores in an attempt to make use of this bonus before it was instated will each receive a free Bus...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Team Cupcake take Elimination crown...but are they the real winners? The laziest teams and the most effective players are revealed in our final Elimination roundup. IMPOTENT DONGS ROLL OVER AS CUPCAKES ROMP TO VICTORY Team Cupcake cooked up some delicious victory in the Elimination competition early this morning, with their win having seemed a mere formality ever since runners-up the Snowflakes froze relations with the Dongs. Despite a last-minute change of alliance, the Dongs could not avoid being sent to the doghouse on Monday morning, with the poor pooches finding themselves in the midst of a tactical battle between the two eventual finalists. The Dongs were euthanised at 3 am after a run of eighteen straight life-losses following on from the Villains' elimination the day before. But despite them ending the competition with just 440 tickets, the Dongs' trip to doggy heaven hadn't always seemed so certain. After the departure of the Villains ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Passengers departing Torn City on certain day this week to receive increased baggage allowance. Details redacted from sub-headline forcing people to read actual article. Following reports of a drug shortage in Torn, the city's aviation authorities have announced that foreign tourists will be permitted to import twice as many items this coming Thursday, removing the need for narcotic and plushie traffickers to smuggle said items upon or inside their person. Pictured: A whole set of plushies you say? Then let's pay a visit to the petting zoo. This measure is intended to increase the flow of illicit substances in Torn after supplies were exhausted by the recent Elimination competition - or so the authorities say. A quick look at the circulation and valuation graphs show that drugs are actually as abundant as they ever were, but try telling that to someone goofed off their norks on Zanbars. However real this shortage may or may not be, the temporary inc...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Snowflake Dong Alliance On Verge of Collapse. Villains leadership drama during final hours. Romantics betrayed at the last. Exclusive bonus news to come tonight. This update will be our final article on elimination while the competition is still running. We would not wish to unduly influence the event at such a delicate point in proceedings, so we will abstain from publishing further commentary until our final roundup later this week. But we've still got plenty of fresh meat to get our teeth into. What happened during the Romantics' final hours? Did the Villains really betray everyone in the competition? What's this secret bonus day I've heard absolutely nothing about? And are the Snowflakes allied with the Dongs, or are they just pretending? Let's find out, as we take a look at the past 48 hours of Elimination 2018. ROMANCE IS DEAD In a result which confounded the experts, Romantics became the fifth team to leave the Elimination contest...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Have Snowflakes and Team Cupcake betrayed the Dongs and Villains? Who is the mole in the Dongs camp? Are Villains falling apart? And why did everyone turn on the G.O.A.T.s? Another three teams have been eliminated from the competition since our last article, but who will go on to become the elimination champion? I do not know this for I have not decided who to avoid slandering just yet, but it does seem that the Romantics may miraculously achieve a second place finish. How will this happen? Why will this happen? What else has happened? Let's find out. DEATH TO THE UNDEAD What is dead may never die; so sayeth the people of the Iron Islands. But as Theon Greyjoy discovered, there are other ways to perish without actually dying. The Undead experienced this at 2 am on Thursday, when the last of their lives was removed and sent in a box to their dad. Pictured: The hand of the undead reaching out for their errant member. Undead had been trading losses with Cho...