Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — On the 19th of July I commenced my day as I would any other, with a bottle of Tequila, two Xanax chasers and a box of extra strong mints - just in case mother pops round. After breakfast I began to trawl through the forums and city stats for interesting morsels of news that might make for a compelling read in next week's paper, when something rather odd happened. Something that had never happened before to me in Torn or elsewhere in the world of journalism. Persecution - for now I art a victim. Eleven bounties within the space of 3 minutes 48 seconds, and all from a mysterious stranger named Collete. As a feeble reporter with the physique of a severely malnourished infant I found myself hospitalised almost immediately as random goons gleefully accepted the contracts placed upon my head, yet I knew not why I had been targeted. Over the next few days each of these bounties were dutifully collected by the bloodthirsty citizens of Torn, and frankly I'd be ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — On June 11th 2016 Torn welcomed to its streets the 2 millionth person to register here as an official citizen, with this prestigious honour bestowed upon a young lady named MelodyQueen. A time for celebration indeed...or perhaps not. More than one month on from that momentous day neither hide nor hair has been seen of this mysterious stranger, with very little known about who she was, where she came from, and where her bullet-ridden corpse is today. At the time of writing it has been confirmed that MelodyQueen resided within a shack during her brief appearance in the city, making four enemies and one solitary friend whilst active on the streets of Torn. So where is she? Did this poor innocent soul fall prey to one of Torn's vultures already? MelodyQueen's status as the 2 millionth citizen means she has already been subjected to a disproportionate amount of violence, with hospital records noting her admittance on a total of 31 occasions. Yet this baptis...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Torn has no Mayor to speak of, nor does it have a Governor, a Councillor, a President or Prime Minister. Torn even lacks so much as a Park Ranger to stop you throwing trash at geese on the park. But many would say that what Torn does have is a dictator, an unstoppable presence whose benevolence in recent years is a testament to his own power, rather than the will of those attempting to dethrone him. Official titles aside, Bodybagger has ruled the streets of Torn in every meaningful way for the past seven years, and despite fearing the repercussions of a misquoted phrase or an incriminating typo, this reporter valiantly entered into correspondence with the city's greatest ever player - the results of which are provided for your perusing pleasure below. TCT: "How does it feel to be the most powerful player in the game?" BB: "It feels great and wonderful!!! In reality, it really is no big deal. It's just a game after all." TCT: ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — In our recent interview with Boxcar182 we investigated the mind-set of Torn's most prolific jail-breaker, yet in the weeks since our article was published there seems to have been no progress made in curtailing the embarrassing security lapses which continue to blight our city's penitentiary. The jail is a block away from City Hall where the decision makers eat their lunches, yet still they rest on their overpaid fat-saturated laurels, making no effort to address the concerns raised in this paper. But their inaction has not gone unnoticed. Torn's forums are awash with complaints at how simple jail-breaking has become. A discussion led by local citizen Wollongong - one of the city's original 20,000 inhabitants - suggested that Torn City Jail is not the deterrent it once was, commenting: "When we just started to take over this town, when there were actually still respectable citizens around, being put to jail really was a pain in the ass. Yo...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The 5th of July marks that wonderful time of year when the city's motley collection of harlots, hunks and everything in-between collectively discard their inhibitions in an effort to show off the goods. Clothing is shredded, makeup smeared, and their desirable attributes are artificially enhanced by careful sock placement - I am of course talking about the long-awaited return of the city's annual Mr and Ms Torn competition. But before the population's most attention-impoverished set to work they would do well to heed the tales of the competition's former champions. In an effort to find out why so many are drawn to the event, what it takes to win such a coveted prize, and how the stench of victory attracts a swarm of unwanted admirers the Torn City Times spoke to several of last year's finalists about their experiences. Captain Obvious - Mr Torn 1st Place 2015 TCT: "Captain, how has winning Mr Torn affected your life? Do strangers try t...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Torn's prison system is notoriously one of the world's least secure correctional facilities, and those few who have never experienced the delight in breaking free of its confines will at least know someone else who has. Yet despite the relatively short prison terms doled out to its inmates there are some who remain committed to helping convicts free themselves from the clutches of justice. Once such person is Boxcar182 . At the time of writing he is Torn's most prolific jail-breaker with a total of 50,934 busts as of June 27th 2016. In an effort to find out why the prospect of freeing convicted criminals is so tempting the Torn City Times sat down with Boxcar182 to find out why, for the first in a new series of interviews with Torn's most notable citizens. TCT: "Hello Boxcar182. Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed. You are responsible for the most jail breakouts in Torn. Can you tell us why you are doing this?" Boxcar182: "I d...

IIIlusionist [253384] — In our ever-changing Torn City keeping up with the various new game mechanics and player inputs can be difficult. And by player inputs, I am referring to the phenomenon known as scripting. Below is a very basic, non-extensive, and not-so-accurate description for us mere humans of what scripting actually is: Using incohesive (but grammatically correct) content to carry out one or more functions to help make routine tasks easier by automating processes that are normally tedious and modify web pages cosmetically. Basically, it involves adding stuff to your browser to get things done better and faster than you could possibly do without them. To many, including myself, scripts are just combinations of random letters and symbols that form pages-upon-pages of text. However, to the more trained eye, these lines are commands - very much like reading the matrix. There is a fine line between legal and illegal scripting in Torn, but a basic rule to stick by is this - anyt...

sugarvalves [1963573] — An employee of Torn's Casino whose rant against a customer went viral online last week has been told he may have to seek alternate employment should he engage in any further outbursts. Leslie Chanthavong, 38 and originally from Laos, has been a popular figure in Torn of late thanks to his vicious barbs dispensed towards customers of the Casino's Spin The Wheel game. But after his latest comments were uploaded online, Leslie faced a stern rebuke from the Casino's management, albeit for a rather peculiar reason. "Everyone here loves Leslie's unique brand of charm, and its no secret we're loving the attention he brings to our casino, but he's been told twice now to only make fun of people whilst he's on the job. For example, if he'd performed that obscene impression of the Lord Jesus to those visiting clergymen while he was on his lunch hour they might think he meant it, but when he's behind his wheel everyone knows it...

sugarvalves [1963573] — With its ratio of four men for every one woman Torn is notoriously the most male-dominated settlement on the planet, and whilst we may all have our suspicions about the root cause of this particular phenomenon, nobody seems quite sure exactly what to do about it. Whereas China's high male population can be attributed to its one-child policy and societal preference for male heirs, the reason for Torn's distinct lack of females is less easy to identify. There are records of a chemical spill sometime in the early 20th Century which contaminated the city's water supply with an agent known as AK1, a substance thought to cause an over-abundance of the SRY gene. This gene is responsible for generating the male sex within developing humans, yet this still doesn't explain the low levels of female migration from which Torn has suffered continuously since its inception. Some believe Torn's historical reputation as a "City of Men" has hindere...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Torn Police Department has issued a statement today advising members of the public to steer clear of newspaper listings offering short-term work for cash, after a recent spate of bizarre incidents involving one of the city's most notorious loan sharks. Duke, AKA Shirley Calabrese, has been accused of indirect involvement in a number of unorthodox crimes over the past few months, and has been known to advertise roles to ordinary citizens in a bid to keep his own famously tiny hands clean. These jobs typically involve a significant amount of violence or the sending of threatening correspondence, and Torn PD's Chief of Police Ronald Kravitz has urged anyone looking for employment to think carefully before responding to Duke's often misleading job listings: "One guy responded to an ad for a Waste Disposal Management Assistant. The poor schmuck ended up flushing some guy's chopped up corpse down the toilet, limb by limb. He says he was forced, ...