Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — Fifty billion currently sits unclaimed in arrest rewards. First ten-star Detective Agency looks set to arrive imminently. Mass high-profile arrests predicted to follow. The release of the arrest function as a special for the Detective Agency company was highly anticipated, with nobody quite sure as to how this new ability would affect Torn City life. Would the jail population triple? Might lawyer's cards increase in price as a result? And would busting now become a full-time job? These are just some of the questions asked by a hypothetical person who exists solely within the confines of my mind. And yet here I am, answering them all the same. If truth be told, the jail rarely seems to house any victims of the Detective Agency, but the statistics show that looks can be deceiving, as since the 15th of April there have been 4,924 arrests made in Torn City.  Pictured: Sweet, sensual justice. This works out at approximately 53 arrests per day. And with detecti...

ArttiIsGod [1954421] — To take your mind from your work, play, and England's tragic defeat Hello and welcome to the Torn City Times Crossword Number 10. I am happy to announce that a healthy number of Torn citizens managed to find time between doing drugs and alcohol to complete last week's crossword. Just look at this lovely message which dropped into our steaming hot inbox recently: Thanks for the crossword and thanks for the simple puzzle I can try during the work. Cheers and keep it up! - Dedicated Crossword Solver Things like this make our heart warm, but not warm enough to cook eggs. So... Let's get down to business. This time the correct answer was "A WIZARD BABY HAS BORN". Admittedly, this would've made more sense if it'd read "A WIZARD BABY WAS BORN", but my first language is Swahili, so what can you do? The first person to send me the correct answer without any mistakes was Bagel , and for being such a good boy he will take home a F...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Daily visitors close to 23,000 for first time in over four years. Authorities announce special measures to celebrate World Population Day on July 11th. On the 1st of June 2018 Torn recorded its highest active population for nearly five years, with 22,965 individual people having roamed our city's streets that day in search of duels, drugs and delicious treats. The last time Torn was this busy was back on the 28th of October 2013, when 23,094 despicable souls paid a visit to this moral and actual wasteland. I am reliably informed that this was the same date on which Romanian protestors marched in objection to a Canadian mining venture, some Colombian people raced in homemade cars, and the former Prime Minister of Poland died. Since that momentous day, Torn's active population has mirrored the collective buttocks of Earth women, having inflated steadily over the past few years and showing no sign of stopping. Official figures report that our headcount h...

Hank [1732212] — Relentless chief Hank brings us an exclusive inside look at the causes, tactics and resolution behind the recent war his faction waged against the might of the PT forces. Anyone who has looked at a map of Torn lately couldn't help but notice that Sector 1 is one of the few areas of our city which is relatively free from wars. Nobody is bothering their neighbour, incursions are few and far between, and everyone seems happy to stick with what they've got.  However, this situation won't last for long, as below that thin layer of peace, I can reveal that several factions are busy plotting assaults on their rivals. Sector 1 is about to explode. Since the removal of ranked wars, some factions have become a little restless with the lack of real opportunities to do battle. A war of words on discord recently spilled onto the forums whereby some members of JFA claimed they were better than MnC, a faction with which they are allied. This seemingly innocuous conver...

ArttiIsGod [1954421] — Following last week's brain busting puzzle, today we have brought you a simpler srossword for people with a low IQ. Hello and welcome back to all humans and other creatures. After escaping a crazy Laotian man's basement last week I crossed the border to Thailand to search for refuge at a Buddhist monastery. Let me tell you, it wasn't much better; a one-eyed monk tried to seduce me, I had to run. And fast. True story. But enough of that, let's get back to crossword business. Our previous puzzle was small and tough like an angry midget. It took some people 36 hours to solve it, and as a result, we've had several new names pop into our inbox with the right answer. Only nine clever sods managed to beat this puzzle, with the fastest answer being sent by  LumbricuS  who has won a Goodie Bag for his effort. Three runners-up were chosen after utilising a random number generator which broke all the known laws of quantum physics. In doing so, the lik...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Torn of the Dead rumours gather pace, weed stocks hit by mystery buyer, new racing competition in the works and more! Torn of the Dead to Return? Is the much loved Torn of the Dead competition about to make a comeback this Halloween? ThePolitician certainly hopes so, as over the past few months he's been trying to drum up support for a revival via a well-received post in the suggestions forum .  Chedburn expressed his interest in the event via a pinned response, and while there is nothing yet written in blood, I can confirm there is an appetite to resurrect this competition in October 2018 - if we can get the details sorted. Pictured: An example of how ToTD inspired Torn's appetite for al-fresco dining. However, the Torn chief noted that ThePolitician's suggestion did not contain enough ideas for how the new competition would work, with Chedburn indicating to me that he is looking for an intuitive infection method and a novel way of tracking its ...