Torn City Times

Hcom3 [2003693] — In the early hours of Tuesday 20th February, the face of Torn may have changed forever, thanks to a simple script posted by Alexstrasza which allows players to hide the posts of people they do not like. Within the space of a few days, Alexstrasza ' s post attracted over 200 upvotes, a total which demonstrates the strength of feeling towards those who would do our forums harm. The response from the troll community was immediate. Evil-Duck complained just two minutes after the post was made. Several hours later, HH_Dude announced he was quitting the forums, in an apparent attempt to jump before he was pushed into oblivion. The trolls are panicking. The bridge under which they live has been sealed up on both sides. Soon, having been starved the oxygen of publicity, this group will suffocate on the noxious fumes of their own foul-smelling effluence. Torn may breathe again once more. However, not everyone believes this move represents a positive step in the righ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Are you a criminal? How many crimes have you committed this week? Do you know how much you've earned from said crimes? If your answers to these questions are yes, many and a lavish amount, then soon you will have much to fear, thanks to an announcement by Chedburn which most people barely noticed. On the 13th of February, our firm yet gentle leader revealed via the bulletin board that he was currently working on three city projects, including an activity log, a crime log and an arrest system. The first task, the activity log, has long been rumoured to comprise of a vast monitoring system capable of tracking everything from who you assault and when you assaulted them through to the specific times of day you log in to your "brother's" account. Pictured: Like this, but less prophetic. It is known that this activity log has been in the works for some time, and it is feared that its ubiquitous presence poses a great threat to the privacy, safety ...

Kapten_Klitoris [1873683] — The recent catfight between Subversive Alliance and Milk and Cookies could have ended up as the fight of the year. The battle to end all battles. The most explosive encounter since the Atom bomb vs the people of Hiroshima. Instead, from an outside perspective, a war which promised much turned out to be as boring as hell. Let's start with some context. An MnC subfaction, Mentos and Cola has been bullied by SA for a few months now, with hits coming every time SA chained. This came about due to the old rules about respect gains, which stated that you must start a territorial war to maximize your gains. TCT Reporter Nova told Midknight to rally his crew behind the bike racks and be prepared to fight. They accepted the challenge and our collective anticipation hung in the air like a queef in a lift. But to be honest, the battles which followed were a pile of hot garbage. No real fighting occurred, with both factions content to paw at the others wheneve...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Earlier today the winners of three seasonal competitions were announced, with judges Duke and Leslie both taking the time to consider the merits of each entry into the Valentines and Pancake Day themed contests - if not the closing date. The most popular competition was the TORN Valentines Day Card event, with 32 entries submitted into this contest to create a romantic greetings card suitable for Torn citizens. Third prize in this event went to _DBCooper_ , with her subtle arrangement of glitter, card and alcohol complemented beautifully by a poem that was as short as it was subtle. Second prize was awarded to the romantically named Fa_Que6969 , who apparently used 'love' in the construction of his card, with the recipient left to imagine which substance he is referring to. The artist also referred to last week's 'Love Juice' scandal in the card's message, despite many people still reeling from the effects of the illegal aphrodisiac....

sugarvalves [1963573] — The Torn City Transport Authority has urged citizens to stay away from the docklands area following an accidental spillage of potentially hazardous chemicals. In the early hours of Wednesday morning, a shipment of 'Love Juice' bound for the Performance Ribaldry Network was manhandled by customs officers upon its departure from a cargo ship. The resulting 'love puddle' was deemed a threat to public safety by those who tasted it, and the area was duly cordoned off. Unfortunately, this 'accident' only served to distract the officials from the real crime, as several 'crates' of the chemical were stolen under cover of darkness. Doses of Love Juice have been found scattered across the docks as a result, with the police and health authorities issuing a joint plea to any citizens who happen to find said items. "The effects of 'Love Juice' are not fully known, although initial tests on a detection dog showed that the chemica...

sugarvalves [1963573] — On the 5th of February at 7:40pm Torn City Time, daCampa achieved Level 100 status and in the process became the hundredth Torn citizen to do so. A humble strip club owner who joined our city on the 4th of October 2005, daCampa hit this milestone during a chain and announced his successful completion of the "fakest achievement in Torn" via a forum post shortly after. But fake it most certainly was not, for the reaching of our city's highest level represented the culmination of 4507 days of hard work. And the chance to be the 100th was a dream held by literally tens of people ever since Bodybagger bagged the number 1 spot all those years ago. With the desire to be number 100 burning bright like dud fairy lights, the race for this prestigious accolade begun in earnest as soon as SourRon filled the 99th spot with his mighty girth at 6:28 TCT. "I was glad to be among the first 100 because I knew there were a bunch of people able to upgrade ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Omnium rerum mensura est homo. Omnium rerum principia parva sunt This week's The Weak in News column begins with a rundown of recent events involving notorious forum-tumour Sharpmid . But if such drivel isn't to your tastes, then scroll down for further news involving Duke and Level 100 players. Federal Jailings Lead to Complaints On the 2nd of February, a post by Hcom3 alerted the world to the fact that Sharpmid had been placed in federal jail. Under the title "Good news", this highly rated post speculated as to the reasons for Sharpmid's demise, with many pointing to his recent sharing of a video recording of Discord conversations as the primary cause. I have no intention of finding this video, and the Torn authorities are unable to divulge information regarding federal jailings, so I made the sickening decision to speak to Sharpmid earlier today in a bid to find out more and give a voice to the temporarily voiceless. "I was ba...

sugarvalves [1963573] — On Monday we published a report on the recent fluctuations in the stock market, after a turbulent period of record highs and lows saw many citizens panic due to the implementation of unannounced market adjustments. Thankfully, our research revealed that no such alterations had taken place, but many were still curious as to what the future held for their carefully chosen stocks. To help you decide what to do with your investments, the Torn City Times has used the research behind our recent article to compile a report on the three-year form of every stock available. Should the following information cause you to lose significant amounts of money, the Torn City Times bears no responsibility for your financial failings. If the data offered earns you a significant amount of profit, our fee is 25%. Torn City Stock Exchange Jan 15: $11,931 Jan 18: $13,215 Low: Nov 16, $10,435 High: Aug 15, $14,128 The TCSE 30 stock swole like Christian Bale prepping for Batman through...