Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — The tempestuous madam that was the 2017 Elimination competition ended with a whimper this evening, as Pink Power romped home to victory by an astonishing margin of 4996 points. Having stared elimination in the face and spat in its open gob, reduced an angry NPC with inflated stats to impotence, and battled against a tide of opinion so salty you could use it to season the world, only the most churlish would deny that the ladies and pseudo-femmes of Pink Power thoroughly deserve their title. We will congratulate PP and commiserate the Ninjas later in this article. But for now, let's summarise the rest of the week's action like we're some kind of proper paper, starting with the incredible fightback of eventual winners Pink Power. After the introduction of Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese to proceedings, Pink Power immediately found themselves battling Original Gangsters for survival. Yet despite hovering perilously close to the exit door for several h...

sugarvalves [1963573] — >. Elimination 2017 took another twist this morning when The Duke temporarily entered the competition on the side of the Pacifists . Torn's authorities granted the loan shark access to Elimination after he personally petitioned Chedburn to do so, with rumours swirling that Duke leveraged this deal off the back of some risqué glamour shots acquired from our leader's old Myspace account. Duke's motivation for entering the tournament is believed to stem from a confusing encounter with a member of Pink Power , whereby Mr Calabrese was subject to a ruse concerning the gender of his temporary bedroom acquaintance. Enraged by the faux-femininity of his one-time lover, The Duke swore revenge on all those who have changed sex to gain entry into the female-only Elimination team. I can exclusively reveal that a total of 204 members of Pink Power underwent gender reassignment surgery between the 15th of August and the beginning of the Elimination compet...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The warring period of the 2017 Elimination competition began in controversial style yesterday, as it was revealed that hundreds of male citizens had disguised themselves as women to gain entry into the female-only team Pink Power . Before we get into that naughty business though, we have some admin to take care of. The scoring system for elimination has been tweaked, with hospitalisations now scoring 0 for the attacker and deducting 3 for the victim, leave scoring 3 for the attacker and deducting 0 from the victim, and mugging scoring 1 for the attacker and deducting one from the victim. Now, onto more salacious matters. Members of two factions, Milk and Cookies and JFA , stand accused of changing genders to rig the team selection process in their favour. One faction would typically find it hard to flood a team with their members since Elimination entrants are offered a choice of four teams from twelve entirely at random. However, there are two teams which a...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Registration for the 2017 edition of the Elimination competition will open at 17:00 TCT today, Tuesday 5th September 2017, the Chinese year of the rooster. This will be Torn City's second Elimination after last year's integral event which replaced the World War competition from ye olden times of lore. But for those who have just woken from a coma or have recently returned to Torn after reevaluating your life choices, what the heckin heck is Elimination, and how can you avoid being bamboozled by it? Elimination is basically like regular Torn if everyone's diet consisted of nothing more than food additives and ADHD medication. For a period of approximately two weeks and some more days, citizens are whipped up into a spree of maiming and complaining as twelve predetermined teams battle for the title of most bestest fighting guys. Each team may consist of no more than 1,000 people, and the names of these groups will be chosen from a long-list of sevent...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Chedburn has threatened to unleash fire and fury upon those holding multiple identities in Torn City, with our Lord, saviour and sovereign seeking to assuage citizens' fears in light of the recent outbreaks of vigilante justice. Massively Underhand Loser Turdface Identity Simulators, or multis as they are commonly known, create several false personas in an attempt to circumvent the rules and acquire financial or karmic gains. These people threaten the very fabric of Torn society by undermining both our economic and societal structures, and as a result, they are hated with a passion equal to that of scammers, spammers and members of the AOW faction. Chedburn praise be unto him told the Torn City Times that a new multi detection system is imminent. He hopes that this new procedure for identifying multis will be ready within the next week and should eliminate around 10,000 multiple identities in one fell swoop. Any monies earned by these fraudulent personas w...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The city of Ciudad Juarez has been declared safe for Torn citizens to return after 36-hours of violence finally came to an end. Hundreds were left consigned to hospital during this period of instability, with JFA , JFA 2.0 and the wider JFA family later claiming responsibility for the outbreak of hostilities. However, with just seven JFA members present in Mexico at the time of writing, the threat of injury now seems to have surpassed. Forewarning of the events in Ciudad Juarez came via a forum post by Taco_Klitoris (a.k.a. Kapten_Klitoris), in which he advised Torn citizens to avoid travelling there due to the presence of a looming yet unspecified threat. At first, Senor Klitoris spoke as if he and his faction had no involvement in this brutal episode; and in lieu of an official statement, the public began to speculate wildly as to what was going on down in Murder City. Rumours of a dirty bomb or a zombie outbreak were soon quashed though, as it became cle...

sugarvalves [1963573] — When I first contacted L4suicide about compiling his Tornography, he responded by saying he wasn't interesting enough. I wholeheartedly disagree. The man whose history and thoughts we are about to hear has been here since the very beginning, having arrived in Torn City 4560 days ago on February 18th, 2005 - it was a Friday. In that time, L4suicide has racked up a list of achievements longer than the arm of one of those wacky waving inflatable flailing tube men. Among his notable honours is his collection of the most awards in Torn history with 429, his 21st-highest bazaar earnings of $294 billion, and his status as the fifth person to achieve level 100 back in 2013. L4suicide has also taken leadership of legendary faction 39th Street Killers for several successful years, in addition to becoming one of the top ten all-time slots players , consistently appearing in the top 50 rich-list and his transformation into the 2nd biggest junkie with 10,980 drugs ...