Torn City Times

ArttiIsGod [1954421] — Hello and welcome to Torn City Crossword Nr. Five. How are you? You look nice. Have you had your hair done? With small talk out of the way, let's take a quick look at last week's contest. Only 19 participants managed to submit the correct answer by Friday, perhaps because our fourth crossword was the most difficult yet - who knows. The answer we were looking for was 'Mom I cant pause this online game', and the first person to answer correctly was  AlexeaNikkole , who will receive a Donator Pack for her efforts. AlexeaNikkole has been runner-up in two of our four crosswords thus far, and her consistent brilliance will only serve to inspire me to make these puzzles even more fiendishly difficult in future. The runners-up were, in order of bone density,  kunagisa , drcalypso and 8_Ball , who will each receive an Antitank for their troubles. Congratulations to the winners! Awards will be distributed in 24 hours! Here is last week's completed pu...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Nath of Subversive Alliance scoops non-eggsistent prize with 25 egg haul. Over 100,000 eggs collected throughout the competition. Vegans left shocked, tired by news. After three weeks of hunting the Easter Egg Competition is finally over, with Nath of Subversive Alliance crowned the victor having collected an impressive 25 eggs. I do not know what our champion plans to do with his ovarian haul, but if I were to guess, I'd say he's probably going to squat on them like a broody mother hen. Pictured: Nath Nath is a known high-achiever in Torn, having been the 98th person to take level 100 and the third-place finisher in last year's Winter PRC. Sadly, on each occasion, Nath has steadfastly refused to comment on his achievements, with his sole response consisting of a blunt request for prizes. Pictured: The words of a man who has no time to talk in his relentless pursuit of victory. On this occasion, however, Nath has been in touch. And as you'll...

lickdapoo [1827223] — Dropbears member Lickdapoo reveals the true reason why the Torn City Jail has been lacking in members. Also, there's a picture of an orange. Over the last couple of weeks, Torn's correctional facilities have seen an ever-shrinking number of inmates pass through their doors. Much like Detroit, people are rarely seen inhabiting this place, and an eery aura of abandonment lies over the now vacant grounds of Torn's only correctional facility.  I am here to tell you why that is. The jail's population is notoriously sparse at the best of times, but what brought on this sudden desertion? In Detroit, the answer was decades of public mismanagement followed by drivers figuring out that Asian cars are 50% cheaper and no less reliable than those made in Motor City. But in Torn, our beloved leader Chedburn has worked hard to keep our jails full - albeit temporarily. Criminal activity is, of course, encouraged here, with a brief slap on the wrist often the mo...

Franky [1529693] — New record stands at nine hours, forty minutes, forty-one seconds. Chain report kept hidden for unconfirmed reasons. 1,447 cans used. Pushing the boundaries is not everyone's idea of fun, but when it comes to JFA 2.0  such acts appear to be the norm. The faction that continually pushes themselves to do better once again proved themselves to be on top form earlier this month when they broke the 10k chain record in a time of 9 hours 40 minutes and 41 seconds. I have it on good authority that Mightygoober is in the process of writing an article on all the old chaining HoF records as well as those which have been set recently. I look forward to seeing that, and I hope he doesn't mind me sharing one of the records he'll likely include. It was  Chain Reaction  who were responsible for the previous record, hitting a 10k chain in 16 hours, 47 minutes and 52 seconds. But with the new record of 9:40:41 that means that JFA 2.0 absolutely smashed it, knocking 7...

ArttiIsGod [1954421] — Hello and welcome to the fourth edition of the Torn City Times Crossword edition. Yes, I have survived 420; I am up and running, sitting in a cafe pouring over the clues while the radio plays and acoustic cover of Katy Perry's song I Kissed A Girl - something many Torn players would like to do. Dream on, dream on. Now, let us first announce the winners of last week's puzzle. We had 52 participants and all of them sent their answers to me in the correct fashion, i.e. within the title of the mail. The secret phrase we were looking for was 'A cute way to get a girl'. Jfive was the first person to respond correctly, winning 2 x Pair of High Heels and a Neumune Tablet. The runners-up are minmaxstat , Stone_Head and Chris_Robbins , who will each receive a six pack of Energy Drink. Congratulations to the winners! Awards will be distributed shortly after I have finished watching first season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Pictured: The completed puzzle as so...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Clandestine philanthropist contacts Torn City Times to explain absence. Reveals motives for original charity spree. Kata identified as known associate. Since launching our Tell Your Story feature earlier this month, the Torn City Times has received a veritable torrent of nonsense, filth and lies sent to our inbox - which is just what we wanted. However, last week one story stood out amongst all others: a Torn citizen contacted us claiming to be the elusive $1million lurker. "I lived a double life. By day I was an unassuming low-level faction member living in the gym, but by night I donned a mask and assumed the identity of the 1m lurker of global chat." For those of you who do not know, the $1million lurker is an anonymous philanthropist who donates money to random strangers encountered through Global Chat. Their activities have dwindled of late, but intrigue still surrounds the lurker's identity and motives . I now know who this person is than...

ArttiIsGod [1954421] — Bizarre weather event will boost effects of drug say science gits. Productivity estimated to drop by 420%. Overdoses and chip shortages predicted. Cannabis is one of the cheapest and most popular drugs in Torn City, with its usage being especially  high among career criminals who don't plan to engage in any violence or mild physical exertion for the next few hours. Known on the street as 'Weed', 'Mary Jane', 'Reefer' and 'Clarky Cat', this smokeable substance can be found for sale in the Torn item market for around $10,000, or it can be purchased abroad from any boz boz on the streets for around half that price. Pictured: A drug user whose arms feel like a couple of fortnights in a bad balloon. Stay safe. When taken, Cannabis can increase the success of criminal activity while also providing a small nerve boost. However, this intoxicating lung-guff is known to do so at the expense of your strength, defence and speed, render...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Thirteen Detective Agencies acquire Three-Star status. Nearly 200 arrested over first 18 hours. Kapten_Klitoris claims highest reward so far. At 18:13 pm on the 15th of April, Nutcase performed the first Detective's Arrest in Torn City history, apprehending the notorious criminal Guardiangirl for a reward of $922,681. Nutcase, who is the director of Crime Stoppers , inflicted a sentence of four hours and twenty-two minutes upon his prisoner, and in doing so began a brand new era for justice in Torn City. "Wow I didn't know I was the first person to make an arrest, I know I was on it pretty early as I was excited to use the new special. GuardianGirl was just a person I added to my arrest list after watching her get busted earlier in the week for serious crimes. Checking her criminal history on her profile I just thought it would have been a potential target and boom, scored a 1m award." - Nutcase I reached out to GuardianGirl for comment o...

ArttiIsGod [1954421] — Hello and welcome to the latest Torn City Times Crossword. Easter may be over, but the bunnies are running around and making eggs all over the place, so first up let us announce the winners of last week's Easter themed crossword. 72 people entered this particular contest due to the crossword being active for two weeks. I didn't want to spend too much time looking for the winners - in between two kids, two wives, a job and a holiday one only has a certain amount of free time - so to make it easier I went to my mailbox and mass deleted all the wrong answers (14). I also deleted all the mails that didn't include the correct answer in the title of the mail (10) as the rules of competition stated you must. Maybe you humans aren't good at reading. That makes me wonder what are you doing in this text-based game. After all that I was left with 48 participants who all managed to send the correct answer 'April is a bunny month' in the title of the...

Jimmy007 [135825] — Leader of The Quidnunks HQ, Jimmy007, describes his faction's unique method of sustaining their members' interest. As a faction leader, one of your most important tasks is to keep your faction members interested and continuously playing Torn. A faction full of disinterested casuals will never be able to compete with the dedicated ranks of an organized unit, so it is upon you as leader to figure out a way of retaining your troops. The faction under my charge is The Quidnunks HQ , and I have always tried to keep my members interested by creating competitions and providing activities. But in February 2013 we decided to try something different: Faction Honors. Many individual players are inspired to continue playing through the pursuit of honors and awards, so it seemed logical that factions could stand to benefit from this system too. We began by creating our own custom Faction Honors in our forums, one-hundred in total, which each of our members were able t...

sugarvalves [1963573] — This year's Easter period saw more competitions take place than ever before, with the traditional Easter Egg hunt complimented by a glut of contests courtesy of the Community Events forum. The entry window for each of these competitions has now closed, and below we've summarised the winners for the benefit of those who would like to feel aggrieved at not having won. Torn April Fools The Torn April Fools contest required entrants to tell us their true stories of trickery and foolery. This was one of the strongest categories, and it was won by its very first entrant, Actuariolam . Her individual pranks involving jello staplers and cardboard Liberaces may not have been enough to secure her victory, but by listing several incidents of japery she wowed the judge with her commitment to quantity over quality. Second place went to L4suicide for an entry which referenced Torn and supplied evidence of her misdeeds. Scams are always popular with the Duke, and ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Annual Eggstravaganza begins in earnest. People seen going 'albumental' at purported lack of eggs. City close to cracking up. Egg puns in short supply. On the fifth of April, the annual Torn City Easter Eggs Contest got underway, with eggspectant citizens looking to beat the competition and collect as many coloured eggs as possible in a bid to be crowned Torn's number one eggspert. There are nine types of egg available, and each one confers upon its bearer a most pleasant effect once collected. Albumentioning more about what you can do with these eggs later, but for now, here is an over-easy guide as to what each coloured egg does. As of monday this week, a total of 63,192 eggs had been scattered about the city thus far, with only 28,929 multicoloured hen secretions collected by 12,254 people. This figure equates to roughly 2.36 eggs per person, but some eggstatic individuals have collected far more than this, with nine people known to have colle...

ArttiIsGod [1954421] — Hello and welcome to the Easter edition of the Torn City Times crossword. This puzzle was briefly published last week, but there have been a few problems with our new newspaper format, so we've had to delay republishing until today. But before we get to that hot mess, let's announce the winners of the previous puzzle. 42 people sent us the correct answer, 'Can I Have Your Stuff', with Schnitzel being the first person to contact us, winning a Feathery Hotel Coupon for his efforts. The runners-up were, in order of softness, AlexeaNikkole , AZa_cadabra and Sylvia , who each took home some Xanax and a supreme sense of accomplishment. Moving on to this week's puzzle, the rules follow the same format as last week. There is a crossword puzzle below which can be solved using the clues provided. Once this has been achieved, a word will be formed out of the letters which appear in the pink boxes. This word must be sent to ArttiIsGod in the subject l...

sugarvalves [1963573] — Torn City Times undergoes major overhaul. Public submissions of unfounded gossip now encouraged. Pretty colours added to front page. Complaints anticipated from 'usual crowd of miserable ****holes'. Hello and welcome to the new and improved Torn City Times. Due to an increase in the newspaper's activity and readership over recent years, it has been decided that the Times' content and appearance should be amended to reflect modern tastes and viewing habits. So, to account for your ever-decreasing attention spans and increasing lust for bright, pretty colours, we've made a few changes. But aside from a snazzy redesign which more closely resembles / plagiarises popular online news portals, what else does the new Torn City Times have to offer? Well, for a start, you can look forward to a raft of new articles which don't take you twelve thousand hours to read. Our streamlined and dolphin-friendly format means that we can choose which story ...